Murder! MURDER was the case that they gave me!

Below: My precious Zucchini mutilated!

G-Gross

R-Repulsive

A-Annoying

S-Shitty

S-SICK

H-Horrible

O-Obnoxious

P-Pest

P-Parasite

E-Everywhere

R-Resiliency

Picture it, me sitting at work. I blankly stare at my desk dreaming of my evening plans. I think to myself "I don't want to go paint our rental we are working on again tonight. I need a break. What can I do? What can I do?" I suddenly get the idea of making zucchini bread. I get very excited because this is one recipe that I have mastered. My bread tastes amazing. I was also excited because this zucchini is hand grown by yours truly! My mouth waters as I think of baking my wonderful bread. I feel like Suzi Homemaker-playing housewife and making awesome bread that my husband will make happy chewing sounds over.

I get home and excitedly go to my garden to pick out my biggest zucchini and what do I see? Massive destruction! My little plants were growing so proudly were ate down to the NUBS and I investigate and see that the grasshoppers have stripped my zucchini's of their skins! They have ate the ENTIRE plant in two days and have started on my little Z's eating every last bit of what skin they can salvage. My feeling mix with rage, disgust and most of all helplessness. I do not own a chicken....how can I be rid of these things? I google it, it's of no help. I do see one helpful tip however; it says "a cat can sometimes help with the grasshopper population." I send Douglas outside to the battlefield to help. He lays down instead exhausted (see picture) . TRAITOR.

Douglas-exhausted from seeing so many grasshoppers decides he needs a nap.

As I headed back to the house, I felt defeated. These disgusting creatures were everywhere in my backyard. As I walked back there were so many that a few even hopped up under my dress. I was like "Grasshoppers! Get out of there!" SICK. I was pissed, everywhere I looked I could see them hopping and making their rattlesnake evil sounds. I suddenly snapped. I grabbed my fly swatter and went postal on their asses!

I did not kill them all, not even close, but I did kill a pair mating, and I also killed a giant king looking one so I felt satisfied. I did not get to make my zucchini bread that night, I made banana bread-but I do feel like I did one huge step for mankind for killing the breeding grasshoppers. Death to them all!

Oh, and if you have a chicken you would like to rent me, call 1-800-SLAUGHTERHOPPER.